For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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