i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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