I smell stomach acid.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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