I faked an abortion last night.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
