I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
