she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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