party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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