I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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