I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
