You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
