Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
