I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
