Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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