You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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