I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
