i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
