I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
