so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
