I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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