I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
