I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
