Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
