I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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