Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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