i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
