dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
he just fucked me for my cheese..
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
