do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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