Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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