We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
