He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The power of my boobs compel you
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
