All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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