My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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