He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
