i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
