That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
whose parrot is this?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
