Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
