I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
