He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
