Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
