you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
