maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
