You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
