He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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