I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
