I think my vagina is haunted
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
