we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
