so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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