just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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