GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
