She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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