Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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