God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
